Digital Joe #41

I'm convinced it's something in my personality.

What other explanation is there? My collection of "collectible" Slurpee cups; the dozens of "Star Wars" and "Star Trek" figures (and variants!) sitting in the closet; two-disc special limited editions of movies I'll probably never get around to watching; my now-dismantled collection of "Star Trek"-covered TV Guide magazines. I am a collector.

Why have the standard two-disc edition of "Batman Begins" on the shelf when I can get my hands on the two-disc Deluxe Limited Edition with comic? Why continuously search for the two-disc "United 93," a movie I don't want to see ever again? Why do I feel left out if I don't have all the store exclusives available for any release?

(You could argue I'm also anal retentive and obsessive compulsive, but I think "collector" sounds better.)

I don't like anything being incomplete or feeling like I missed something. Anytime I add a new podcast to my iTunes subscriptions, I have to fight the urge to listen to all the previous episodes. My parents tell a story about me as a young child. They had put me in my crib at my normal bedtime only to have me stand up, banging on the bars, for the following three hours. Apparently, I didn't want to miss anything.

In a lot of ways, I'm still like that. I read as much as I can, talk to anyone who will engage me, listen to other's opinions…and watch as much as possible. Now realize I also work a normal work week and have a series of other hobbies and obligations to attend to. Bedtime usually doesn't come around until I can't keep my eyes open anymore.

With this backdrop, imagine my sheer horror when I put in the documentary "Fabulous! The Story of Queer Cinema" over the weekend…only to have a relentless barrage of movies I haven't seen-or heard of-flying at me from every direction. Movies I should see because of their cultural significance or movies that just sound plain interesting.

The same phenomenon happens when I hit start on any podcast. I gave up keeping track of the movies I should get my hands on when the list became wholly unmanageable. Sometime around last November, the list never shrinking got me depressed. Here I was ingesting as many films as I could and yet there were always more on the horizon.

Finally, I came to a realization: there is always going to be more out there in every aspect of life than I can ever get to. More baseball games to watch, more cities to visit, more stories to enjoy, more new food to cook, more situations to experience. It's neverending. And in the haste to get to "the end," I was missing out of the subtle nuances and the fine things in life: not rushing around the minute I got out of work trying to save the world and expecting too much of myself.

It's something we all invariably do. We build expectations for our abilities up to such an extent we can't possibly achieve half of what we set out to do. It's like that scene early in "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" when Clark asks Ellen when he's ever held family events to abnormal heights. She responds with holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, graduations…you get the idea. It isn't until later in the film, when Clark re-watches video of Christmas past, does he realize it's time to slow down.

There is no way I'm ever going to watch every movie I "should" or have a complete collection of anything. At the end of the day, it's quite useless, actually, to collect and horde items we can't take with us when we die. Those things don't keep us warm at night when the wind howls outside. They can't engage us by telling a story over a holiday meal or kiss us when we're injured. Those things are just that: things.

Film is a fantastic experience, but it isn't the be all and end all of life. So what if I've only gotten through ten movies so far this month? My TiVO isn't going to delete them and my DVD's aren't going to disappear off the shelf. It's the people we should start making time for, not the things. I know that's tough in our capitalistic society; we're taught a person's wealth is defined by their possessions as opposed to the love and goodwill around them.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have eight new podcasts downloading and five new magazines sitting on the counter.