BALD - DVD review

Have you ever watched a movie and wanted however long it took from your life back? That's about how I felt after I finished "Bald," an upcoming release from Image Entertainment.

"Bald" really was bad. It didn't have any decent acting, a good script or a creative approach. It took a standard premise and did nothing innovative with it. The film reinforces those same tired sexual stereotypes that have grown old and haggard, and belittles the higher education experience down to a dull nub.

The standard premise I'm referring to is the normal college student struggling through a world where he simply doesn't fit in. We've seen it in "National Lampoon's Animal House" and other films I don't want to insult by putting their titles in the same review as "Bald." The normal college student isn't super confidant or outgoing, but has friends who will go to great lengths for him. He's not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed, but manages to eek his way through higher education and has a pleasant experience regardless. Then, just after he's hit rock bottom, he gets a break, has meaningless sex and everything is better until it suddenly isn't. But thanks to some creative antics and dumb luck, the film ends on a happy note. Oh, and all this typically happens in less than 90 minutes. Any longer and you'd probably collapse from boredom.

It would be different if "Bald" had a solid foundation to work from, such as a well-written script or quality performances from its lead characters. I could at least then try to salvage something from it. Sadly, everything from its top to bottom is extremely below par. It assumes that its audience will embrace its raunchy, outlandish take on how to make it big with no education or effort, and that's a fair assumption if you have a foundation to stand on. "Bald" doesn't.

Andrew Wood (David Lengel) is our token college student, but just because the filmmakers needed an ongoing plot scheme, they decided to give him a big problem. He's losing his hair at age 20, and it's driving him huts. The film opens with Andrew having a sexual fantasy with multiple beautiful women are all over him, only to have them jump away in horror as his hair falls out during the fun. Ouchies.

Andrew lives in a house with other students, including Max (Jonathan Cherry), the overconfident and inappropriate jerk we all know and have to tolerate, Devon (Matt Crabtree), an imperfect heavy set fellow who tries oh so hard by fails more often than not, and The B (Darris Love), the token Black guy who drops a racial slur here and there but is respected because he's loud and intimidating, not useful and intelligent. There are also Heather (Whitney Anderson) and Shirtless Cynthia (Lisa Gleave), two large breasted blonde lesbians who provide stimulation but nothing else throughout this miserable movie. Everyone seems to get along fine, but that's probably because they're all stoned thanks to Max's seemingly endless marijuana supply.

One day, Andrew blows it big time, and flunks the last class he's allowed to flunk before he gets booted out of school. Desperate for a way back in and some money to turn things around (he makes it very clear his dream is a hair transplant from the doctor who worked on Matthew McConaughey's baldness), he and Max set up a sex website where the most attractive girls from their campus perform live sex acts online. Max is sure that lonely men from across the world will pay thousands to watch this stuff, and of course, it's a smash hit. The money rolls in, and Andrew gets back on track with his education and a girl named Caroline Goldman (Rachel Specter), who's about as gorgeous as gorgeous gets (just what exactly she's doing with a guy like Andrew is something I could expand on, but this film doesn't really warrant such detail).

As we all know, if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is. Max agrees to make a commercial that airs during primetime, and some parents who have daughters in this new business adventure don't exactly like what they see. They come hunting for Max and Andrew, only to run into a house (the pair bought it with the millions they made from their sex site) that's been rigged with booby traps. Think "Home Alone," and you'll get the drift.

The film ends with the students all happy as clams, and Andrew confident enough in himself to speed up the balding process by purchasing some clippers and giving himself a haircut. The beautiful Caroline ever so willingly gives her over sexualized character to him with no effort, and the rest, as they say, is history.

I took issue with a few big elements in "Bald." First, how can these folks make it big in the Internet pornography business when there are thousands of porn sites already dominating the market? Was their product really that different or unique to the point where they made millions in a matter of days? Second, what the heck do gorgeous women see in obscene, drug using, lazy, overweight, balding and generally unintelligent folks like Andrew, Max, The B and Devon? Maybe they're extremely charming, or maybe the women are desperate beyond description. Finally, how the heck do you get funding for something like this? Maybe the better question isn't really "how," but "why"?

Ugh, it's no use. "Bald" has been made, released on DVD and there's no going back. There are also no bright spots I can identify. This is a complete waste of your time, plain and simple. Even if you're looking for something that won't require any thought or effort to take in, this is a bad move. There are many places you can see pretty girls being stupid if you like, and there are many films that give low life men the upper hand above law and order. Please, investigate them instead.

Video:
Video quality is actually not too shabby. We're given a 1.78 widescreen enhanced transfer to watch this disaster in, and it reflects a nice color balance with some pretty crisp and vivid images. It's nothing spectacular, mind you, but for a really bad movie, this is a really decent transfer.

Audio:
I also thought the audio was surprisingly strong. This Dolby Digital 5.1 surround sound track makes sure you hear everything, from lighters hitting marijuana pipes to female giggles during sex scenes and some less than exciting background music. Everything is audible without much effort, and that's ever so important in a really bad film. "Bald" also provides both English and Spanish subtitles.

Extras:
All that's available is a "Bald" featurette and the film's theatrical trailer. A pathetic offering for a pathetic film seems to fit like a glove. Even if there were more here, it'd likely be about as good as the movie itself, which isn't saying a darn thing.

A Final Word:
I can't think of a single reason you'd want to even think about watching "Bald." It degrades so much in so many ways that I didn't really want to describe it in all that great detail. I didn't laugh a single time, and even though you might, my guess it will be for something unrelated to the film. "Bald" isn't even a decent attempt at something higher quality in the college comedy genre. It's done long before it even starts.