BEYOND THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE - DVD review

Some movie sequels, like sunken boats, are better left at the bottom of the sea. But with the impending DVD release of Warner Bros.' 2006 "Poseidon" remake, the studio must have felt it was time to dredge up its 1979 sequel to the original 1972 "Poseidon Adventure." One "Poseidon" was more than enough; "Beyond the Poseidon Adventure" is every bit as bad as most sequels can be.

The 70's were big on disaster movies, what with sinking ships, crashing airplanes, and burning buildings all the rage. "Beyond the Poseidon Adventure" can fairly be called a disaster movie without anything actually happening to the ship; the movie itself is an unqualified disaster.

If you remember, in the original "Poseidon Adventure," a ninety-foot Mediterranean tidal wave struck a luxury liner on New Year's Eve. The sequel takes up the next morning while the ship is capsized and ready to sink.

The movie stars Michael Caine, who seemed at the time bent on sinking his own career with bad film choices. Here he plays Captain Mike Turner, a tugboat owner and salvage operator who plans to board the Poseidon before she goes down, find the purser's office, and lay claim to whatever money and jewels he can find. "There could be a fortune in there," he says, "and if there is, it's mine!" Like several other fine actors who have had their fair share of bad films--Gene Hackman and Morgan Freeman come to mind--Caine is the best part of an otherwise dreary picture.

His shipmates are Karl Malden as Wilbur Hubbard and Sally Field, of all people, as Celeste Whitman. Why Sally Field on a tugboat? Well, it seems that the boat needed another hand, and the cute, little airheaded Celeste had just helped out Wilbur the night before by saving him from a mugger in a barroom brawl. Trust me: Nothing in this movie makes sense.

Now, at the exact moment Turner and his two companions are about to enter the ship, a Fig Newton drops by. It's none other than Mr. Evil himself, Telly Savalas as Dr. Stefan Svevo. We know he's evil because until Kojak, Savalas played mostly evil characters. Plus he's dressed almost entirely in white, even his sleek boat is white, and he behaves like Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Besides, his name is Stefan. Remember the old "Mission Impossible" series? Every time they had a really evil villain, his name was Stefan. Svevo and his crew of thugs announce they are a medical rescue unit, and somehow Turner and the others buy it. Obviously, Svevo has his own plans for the luxury liner, but we don't find out what they are until late in the story.

They all enter the ship through a convenient hole they find in the bottom of the hull, a hole made by the French Coast Guard hours before in helping to evacuate the survivors of the wreck. It's unclear how any of the newcomers figured they would enter the ship if the hole wasn't there.

So, that's the setup: Two crews go in for their own personal reasons, they get trapped inside, they find a few more survivors overlooked by the French, they do a lot of talking, walking, crawling, jumping, running, swimming, and falling down before it all comes to an end when the ship sinks.

Among the survivors they find are Gina Rowe (Shirley Jones), the ship's nurse; Frank Mazetti (Peter Boyle), the ship's chronic complainer; Theresa Mazetti and Larry Simpson (Angela Cartwright and Mark Harmon), Mazetti's beautiful daughter and a young man who saved her from harm the night before; Hanna and Harold Meredith (Shirley Knight and Jack Warden), a woman and her blind husband; and Dewey Hopkins (Slim Pickens), a rich, drunken, Texas oilman. The movie claims an "all-star cast," but as you can see, except for Caine, these folks are pretty much second-tier "stars."

Inside the ship, all the lights are still on, so no matter where any of them go, it's always easy to see. Nobody even thinks to bring along a flashlight, they're so sure of themselves. Don't even think about it.

The producer/director was Irwin Allen, famous for special-effects extravaganzas like "The Lost World," "Five Weeks in a Balloon," "Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea," "The Towering Inferno," and "The Swarm." Here, he appears to have used some of the upside-down sets left over from the first "Poseidon Adventure," plus a lot of colored lights, smoke, sound effects, and shaking cameras. Most of it looks like it was done on the cheap. Frankly, the productions values look no better than one of Allen's old "Voyage to the Bottom of Sea" television episodes.

"Beyond the Poseidon Adventure" is filled with stalwart heroes, villainous evildoers, romance, murder, pathos, greed, and sex, the typical ingredients of a shoddy potboiler. The story is absurd, exaggerated, incredible, preposterous, and, worst of all, boringly predictable. Before it's over, a full-scale war erupts, if that gives you any idea of its silliness.

You know, I've teased before that some movies you can't remember ten minutes later. About a half an hour after I finished this one, I had to ask myself if I had watched the whole thing, or if I was just taking a break and needed to go back. I felt a flush of relief when I realized I was, indeed, done with it.

Video:
Don't be alarmed at the amount of grain in the opening title shots; it gets better. If only I could say the same about the movie. Most of the time, there is only a modicum of grain or transfer noise in the picture. Warner Bros. have brought the film to disc in close to its original 2.40:1 theatrical aspect ratio, here measuring about 2.20:1 across my television. Colors are bright, sometimes even showy, although definition is merely average.

Audio:
Speaking of average, that applies to the Dolby Digital 1.0 monaural sound as well. You would have thought that a big disaster movie like this one in 1979 might have sported at least a two-channel stereo soundtrack, but it is not to be. In its defense, the audio is clear and clean, with quiet backgrounds and a decent dynamic range. Not much deep bass, though, nor obviously any surround effects, so live with it.

Extras:
The primary bonus item is a twenty-two minute vintage featurette, "Behind the Scenes: Beyond the Poseidon Adventure." It's in a 1.33:1, standard-screen size and not in the best shape, but in some ways it's more fun to watch than the main attraction. I liked old Slim Pickens (whose name WB misspell on keep case as "Pickins," by the way); he says his biggest delight appearing in the movie was getting his own parking space with his name on it. A secondary bonus item is a disaster-movies gallery, with trailers for "Beyond the Poseidon Adventure," "The Swarm," "Twister," and "The Perfect Storm." In addition, there are twenty-seven scene selections, but no chapter insert; English and French spoken languages; and English, French, and Spanish subtitles.

Parting Shots:
It's hard to say why as good an actor as Michael Caine accepted starring roles in things like "Beyond the Poseidon Adventure," "Jaws: The Revenge," and "The Swarm" except that he needed the money. The "Poseidon" sequel was clearly just a paycheck for him, yet as I've said he is just as clearly the best thing about the picture. Be that as it may, prospective buyers of any "Poseidon" movies might want to save their money for the original or the remake of the original, unless completeness is one's only goal.