“Yeah, man, this is the room where I keep hearing all these spooky sounds. Like stuff being knocked over. Pans clattering on the floor. I’m really freaked out.”

“That’s OK, sir, that’s why you called us. We’re the professionals. Professional Paranormal Cops.”

“Can I ask what qualifications it takes to be a professional Paranormal Cop?”

“It says so on our van.”


“Now as professionals, we don’t want to jump to any conclusions. We’re always skeptical. Let me ask you. Are there any rats in this room that might be knocking things over?”

“I’ve never seen any.”

“OK, so it’s a ghost. But we’re going to have to confirm that. To be professional.”

“All right. How do you go about confirming that it’s a ghost?”

“We use specialized technology like this.”

“That’s a stick.”

“No it isn’t.”

“What is it then?”

“It’s a ghost stick.”

“How does it work?”

“We attach this special ghost meter to the end of it.”

“What does the ghost meter do?”

“It blinks whenever there’s a ghost around.”

“Why would a meter blink because there’s a ghost around?”

“Because it’s a ghost meter. Sir, this is very complicated and it’s best left to the professionals. Hey, Phil, let’s assemble the device. Bring that over. Thanks.”

“Is that duct tape?”

“No, sir…”

“Let me guess. It’s ghost duct tape.”

“Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Paranormal College too?”

“Maybe we shouldn’t go through with this.”

“Pardon me, sir, but our work is very important. Don’t you realize what it would mean to the world to get confirmation that ghosts exist? It would answer once and for all the question of whether or not there is an afterlife. Societies throughout the world would be transformed overnight. Also your check cleared. Wait, what’s that sound?

“Oh, I’ll be damned. There are rats here.”

“That’s something for the professionals to determine. Phil, I need more ghost duct tape. Stat!”

“No, really, it’s right over there. In the corner.”

“Oh my god. It’s a ghost rat! Get the ghost camera, Phil!”


The episodes are presented in 1.78:1. The interlaced ghost transfer is adequate.


The episodes are presented in Dolby Digital 2.0. No subtitles appear on the disc, clear evidence of supernatural interference.


Some bonus footage, the term “bonus” being used in its loosest sense.

There are two discs in the set, each including three episodes with an average running time of far too long.


Is there something dumb in the neighborhood? Who you gonna call?

Just when you think the bar for imbecilic paranormal investigation shows can’t be lowered any more, A&E brings you “Paranormal Cops.” These guys are not only supernatural sleuths but get this: They’re real cops too. One of them even smokes a cigar. They patrol the streets of Chicago by day, and hunt ghosts by night. So sleep well, citizens of Chicago. Your fate rests in reliable hands.

After its historic run of six episodes, “Paranormal Cops” has been cancelled. The world waits for its next band of heroes.