UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: THE RETURN - Blu-ray review

Okay, I get why action films usually don't feature good acting. It's because the people who are capable of kick-ass martial arts and no-holds-barred fighting didn't exactly learn their craft at Juilliard. What I don't understand is why the writing is often so punch-drunk silly that you'd swear the ripped stars pounded the screenwriters before they could even finish the first act. Put those two factors together and about the only thing you can hope for in a film like this is that there are enough cool stunts and action scenes to make up for it.

And are there, in this 1999 theatrical sequel? Well, I suppose that depends on your outlook. Jean-Claude Van Damme plays Luc Devereux, one of the first Unisols (Universal Soldiers) created from dead soldiers on the battlefield. He's part of a project to end humans dying in war by recycling all the dead guys into bio-enhanced bodies that are outfitted with little brain implants and directed by a mega computer named S.E.T.H. (Michael Jai White). These guys can get shot, blown up, run over, set on fire, and still they keep coming like George Romero zombies. And it seems as if there's non-stop battles with these Unisols. Like the zombies, however, when you know that no harm can befall them, the action sequences can start to feel a little "who cares?" So you perk up a bit when a few people jump off a building and into a truck, or when Luc uses cardio paddles like a pair of ear muffs on one of those Unisols and kicks the other one into spin cycle in a dryer--something a little more creative than the usual blast-and-bash. The audience for a film like this probably will think it cool that even strippers in a club get in on the fight-the-Unisols action, and of course there are the requisite fires and explosions. But when the smoke clears (and it doesn't, really--there's not much of a narrative arc, just near-constant fights) you're left with about as much as those original dead battlefield bodies. And no, as far as I'm concerned, there aren't enough cool parts to make up for the debacle.

In this film, Devereux is partnered briefly with Maggie (Kiana Tom), and the two of them basically put the Unisols through their paces, testing them so that the project team can continue to make them stronger and more invincible. You kind of get an idea of what kind of audience the filmmakers think will see a movie like this when one of the "exercises" ends with a big dude named Romeo (real wrestler Bill Goldberg) tying Maggie to a tree, opening up her top, ogling her surgically enhanced breasts, then saying, "Now it's party time, Maggie."

The lead scientist for Ryan-Lathrop is Dr. Dylan Cotner (Xander Berkeley), who created the computer that runs the whole shebang. As the plot unfolds (and we can see this coming), he's like every other well-intentioned inventor since Frankenstein. What's unusual (and illogical) is that this top-secret Ryan-Lathrop military facility is also home to Devereux's daughter, Hillary (Karis Paige Bryant), who even gets tutored by S.E.T.H. and spends time with him. She's the only kid in the entire complex, and she's there, of course, just to pose a threat to her father in case someone grabs her . . . which you know is a pretty safe bet. The news team and female reporter--who gets access to the installation just about the time that S.E.T.H. gets wind of budget cuts that will shut the place down and decides to pull a Hal and take over--is another familiar trope. We've seen it in "China Syndrome" and countless other disaster movies, so when Maggie is put out of action it gives the male lead a female (Heidi Schanz) to accompany him through the rest of the film. All of this is pretty predictable. What we don't see coming is that a blue-haired basement dweller named "Squid" (Brent Hinkley) who talks like a skateboarder is revealed to have been involved in the project: "Why should I help those Ryan-Lathrop pricks. I had great plans for you," he tells S.E.T.H., "and what do they do? They fire me."

The first rule of dialogue is that you don't build clumsy exposition into the lines, but that happens here time and again. "Universal Soldier: The Return" is full of caricatures and bad dialogue, which are always akin to the chicken and egg dilemma. You never know which came first. Adding to the mess are continuity and logic problems. There are a number of head-snappers, as when a knife is thrown into the chest of one of the Unisols and as he pulls the bloody blade out you hear the same sound as if it was being unsheathed from a metal scabbard.

Funnily enough, during action scenes your blood still gets going, no matter how hokey it all is. What helps isn't the wooden acting of Van Dame (and the single outfit he wears that never gets mussed up), but rather people like Goldberg who ham it up like the best (worst?) Bond villains, and Schanz and Bryant, whose acting reminds you every now and then that you should be believing this instead of laughing it off.

Video:
I never saw this in the theaters and so I can't make comparisons, but I can report that the picture isn't one of those you're going to want to pop in to impress the neighbors. Many of the scenes are dark and murky, with more grain than many Blu-rays. It may well be deliberate and part of the master, but it's an unimpressive picture for 1080p. The AVC/MPEG-4 transfer doesn't seem to be a problem, because there are no apparent artifacts or DNR/enhancements, but the whole thing looks a little hazy and grainy. "Universal Soldier: The Return" is presented in 1.85:1 aspect ratio.

Audio:
The audio is stronger, with an English, French, or Portuguese Dolby TrueHD 5.1 soundtrack (48kHz/24-bit) doing the job, with active rear speakers, mid-tone pop, and zinging ricochets in the high range. In the non-action sequences the sound isn't as dynamic, but I guess that comes with the territory.

Extras:
There isn't a whole lot here, just a few recycled mini-features that total just over 20 minutes. A "making of" feature is really a pre-release promo that runs just five minutes, while "Michael J. White: A Universal Soldier's Workout" runs even less, and it does everything but prescribe steroids. The longest feature is a 12-minute job that features Van Damme "looking back-moving forward" though not much of either. All he does is blab about his other movies, which makes it feel like another promo feature. Boo hiss.

Bottom Line:
There are better action movies out there. Period.